The outsider

I am relearning an old technique. Don't know the appropriate word to describe it. Depersonalization. Yes that would come closest. Except depersonalization is considered to be an emotional dissociative disorder - so my word web tells me. Yet depersonalization it is and I find it most therapeutic. I used to do it quite often growing up, I looked at myself in the third person and regarded at everything surrounding me from the outside. Like a dispassionate, curious observer - even observer is too strong a word, I would be an onlooker. I would do it as an amusing mind game then - also a way to conquer my fears and apprehensions. It was a mechanism for me to cope with my unhappiness, my boredom, my limited understanding. Once i depersonalized myself, I was very objective and I felt invincible. Sandeep the person was vulnerable but Sandeep the outsider was untouchable. Somewhere down the line, Sandeep the outsider became the insider. I think it happened because I became happy with myself. I had things going the way I wanted them to. My ability to understand and control things improved. Recently I am rediscovering it. I dont have it fully and it isnt a skill I have mastered to the extent that I can fully modulate it. Ironically, I think i am relapsing into depersonalization as a way to escape too much happiness, self-satisfaction and too pat an understanding of things. It is to escaped the ennui of easy answers and vulgarity of easy options. Be that as it may, I am happy rediscovering the outsider. It makes me feel less vulnerable and more in control.