तुम्हारे लिए

ये पंक्तियाँ सुमित्रा नंदन पन्त जी की कविता अनुभूति से हैं। पन्त जी छायावाद के स्तम्भ माने जाते हैं। मेरे बचपन और छात्र जीवन में पन्त जी की कविताएँ मेरे ह्रदय के समीप थे। समय के साथ मेरा रुझान अंग्रेजी की तरफ बढ़ता गया और पन्त जी अंतर्मन के किसी कोने में खो गए। आज बहुत दिनों बाद मुझे उनकी इस कविता की याद आ गयी । मैं इन पंक्तियों के लिए बहुत कुछ लिखने का प्रयास कर सकता हूँ किन्तु वो अपर्याप्त रहेगा मेरी भावनाओं को व्यक्त करने में ।
ये पंक्तियाँ तुम्हारे लिए हैं...

अनुभूति
---------

तुम आती हो,
नव अंगों का
शाश्वत मधु-विभव लुटाती हो।

बजते नि:स्वर नूपुर छम-छम,
सांसों में थमता स्पंदन-क्रम,
तुम आती हो,
अंतस्थल में
शोभा ज्वाला लिपटाती हो।

अपलक रह जाते मनोनयन
कह पाते मर्म-कथा न वचन,
तुम आती हो,
तंद्रिल मन में
स्वप्नों के मुकुल खिलाती हो।

अभिमान अश्रु बनता झर-झर,
अवसाद मुखर रस का निर्झर,
तुम आती हो,
आनंद-शिखर
प्राणों में ज्वार उठाती हो।

स्वर्णिम प्रकाश में गलता तम,
स्वर्गिक प्रतीति में ढलता श्रम
तुम आती हो,
जीवन-पथ पर
सौंदर्य-रहस बरसाती हो।

जगता छाया-वन में मर्मर,
कंप उठती रुध्द स्पृहा थर-थर,
तुम आती हो,
उर तंत्री में
स्वर मधुर व्यथा भर जाती हो।

There is something in me which is angry. Very angry. Out to destroy everything I love. Why? I would like to understand please. PLEASE!!!

The outsider

I am relearning an old technique. Don't know the appropriate word to describe it. Depersonalization. Yes that would come closest. Except depersonalization is considered to be an emotional dissociative disorder - so my word web tells me. Yet depersonalization it is and I find it most therapeutic. I used to do it quite often growing up, I looked at myself in the third person and regarded at everything surrounding me from the outside. Like a dispassionate, curious observer - even observer is too strong a word, I would be an onlooker. I would do it as an amusing mind game then - also a way to conquer my fears and apprehensions. It was a mechanism for me to cope with my unhappiness, my boredom, my limited understanding. Once i depersonalized myself, I was very objective and I felt invincible. Sandeep the person was vulnerable but Sandeep the outsider was untouchable. Somewhere down the line, Sandeep the outsider became the insider. I think it happened because I became happy with myself. I had things going the way I wanted them to. My ability to understand and control things improved. Recently I am rediscovering it. I dont have it fully and it isnt a skill I have mastered to the extent that I can fully modulate it. Ironically, I think i am relapsing into depersonalization as a way to escape too much happiness, self-satisfaction and too pat an understanding of things. It is to escaped the ennui of easy answers and vulgarity of easy options. Be that as it may, I am happy rediscovering the outsider. It makes me feel less vulnerable and more in control.

Unpunctuated

it is increasingly difficult to write where there were sharp word embers to capture and radiate my smoldering thoughts there is now dusty ash which is diffuse in its warmth without edges or points i was used to picking up machined ready-made words for them but looks like i will now need to patch together and tailormake words and even then will i be able to cloth them will i be able to bring out the smooth subtle contours it is a pity i think the easier thing is to work them out and bring them back to shape so that they are simpler to make out