Schizophrenia

The lunatic is in my head

The lunatic is in my head

You raise the blade, you make the change

You re-arrange me 'till I'm sane

You lock the doorAnd throw away the key

There's someone in my head but it's not me.

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear

You shout and no one seems to hear

And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes

I'll see you on the dark side of the moon

(Brain Damage, Pink Floyd)

"Ok, what is your problem ?"
"I don't know. Guess I'm just bored. No, I am definitely depressed. Lonely. Was looking so much for someone to talk to."
"You could have come to me, you know." She is hesitant, almost shy. I gaze at her, puzzled I think. Now, what is it? Of course. Why is it throbbing so badly.
"But I thought you were dead. Weren't you ? That day, remember?"
"Oh no! I survived. The others died. You didn't come though, did u,to check?"
"But, I did come. With the others. Even though Ma said she would ground us if we went. We didn't see any of you. Everyone was talking in hushed tones."
"Hmm. I remember. Kurta-pyjamas, shaking heads. There were screams too. And, it rained that day. Everything was white.The house and the people."
"But how do you know? You were not there. I didn't see you."
"You didn't." She accepted.
"I wasn't there". Simply.
"Then how would you remember?" Should I scream ? But she is beautiful.
"I seem to."
I am dazed. I hold the head in my hand. Why does it feel so big? The throbbing is worse.
"What? You don't believe me now?" She is angry. She is beautiful.
"I am here, am i not. Touch me if you think I am a ghost." I am only too glad to.
"You are cold."
"It is cold. 2 in the morning. And you are snug in a blanket."
"Ohh..you can come in if you want." She accepts the invitation.
"You never thought of me all this while, did you?"
"I did. Every 1st Jan. All they talked of you was you and your family. We could never celebrate new year because of you. And I had nightmares. Van. Accident. What-not!"
She looks hurt.
"I was thinking of writing a letter to you. A love-letter. But I was embarassed. And all the others liked you too. I stood no chance anyway."
She is pleased. "But you did."
"Did I? Didn't you say, I could play no game? I was a geek." Now, I am glaring.
"Why do you think I followed you all the way. Why am I here?"
"Where were you anyway? I never saw you."
"I was hiding. I can hide very well. You could never seek me anyway."
"I could never seek anyone. I used to get distracted by the trees and the whisperings."
"Hmmm." We are silent for some time. We remember. Those times.
"Anyway. What's you problem?"
"I told you I don't know. I am depressed"
"Why?"
"No reason. No. Because of everything. Everything is depressing."
"Why don't you talk to him?"
"He is in Redmond."
"That's not what I asked?"
"You know him?" I am interested.
"Of course I do. He is very sweet." I am jealous.
"Are you jealous ?"
"Why should I be ? I love him most. You better find him sweet. Or you have no business with me."
"Ok. This reservation thing.Why don't you post what you have written?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know anything."
"Its just that everyone has an opinion in the mess. Morons. They talk about fairness."
"Fair? When has life ever been fair? Was it fair to me? And why dont you ask Bhaskar about fairness".
"Bhaskar. You know where he is? He was married, wasn't he?"
"At 14."
"Exactly. And how does it matter that a few I-banks stop coming to the campus. My country would be better served if some more start earning a lot more and a few start earning a lot less."
"But will they stop coming to the campus?"
"No, ofcourse not. All this is paranoia. Everything is just supply and demand. Even Infosys came only to the IITs earlier. Now look at them. The i-banks need people from Asia. Its not like they need geniuses. But when they require only a few now, they go for the best few. Soon they will need more. And all this exclusivity will go fo a toss. Anyway who gives a damn?" I am breathless.
"You seem to."
"I don't. Not anymore. I am ready to take the plane."
"I am leaving on a jet plane..." She starts humming. Its annoying.
"Stop that."
"But why are you unhappy, then? Remember, you wanted to go to UK. Baker's street. Soho ?"
"Yes."
"So?"
"So what? You know I can't go. I will have no one there."
"Who do you have here? Only me. When did you last go home? And, Him - you will have to let him go on with his life. I will go with you."
"You will? How? What will you do there?"
"We can marry. You like me don't you?"
"I do. That's an idea."
"Say, you know how to cook, right. Otherwise, I will be starved for food there."
"You forgot the gajar ka halwa I made for the cookery contest at school?"
"Now that was something!!" I smile.
"Yes, I think we can marry."
"Should we kiss?"
"That is what you have been thinking of, huh?" She stares at me. "Ok. You can." We kiss.
"Do you drink?"
"I will if you want." She says quietly.
"No it's ok. I cannot drink much anyway. He will be angry."
"How will he know?"
"He does. He can sniff."
"Ok. Fine by me."
"So you are accepting the PPO?"
Now I am suspicious.
"Have you been sent by them?"
"By who?"
"By them. You know who. They can't think of anything but me accepting the PPO. My parents. My friends. My batch-mates here at IIMB. All of them have their own reasons. Only he is with me. Who has sent you?"
"Nobody. You just said we will go to London."
"I will go nowhere. In fact I will drop out of this place."
"And do what?"
"Anything."
"Still you must have something in mind."
"Go back to Bihar. Do something. Or just have fun. And then shoot myself in the head when I have had enough."
"Hmm. Why do you keep playing with the blade?"
"Its not what you think. I won't do that. He will be hurt too."
"Why is always about him ? What about you. You won't be hurt?"
"No. I like it. You know, its peaceful after that. Like you are in a vaccum. I feel pain. But it is pleasurable. Atleast I get to feel. Everything floats for sometime. The tear and blood. Then I know, I am living. And I want to get better. And then, when it is healing, I feel purged, pure, at peace."
"Bollocks. All the existential shit you have been reading? How long does that last?"
"What do you know about it? Don't talk about something you don't know."
"I have been reading with you. And I have always been there when you do it."
"Then why don't you stop me?"
"I do it too. Look at my hands." It is criss-crossed.
"See!!". I am vindicated.
"How did you like it today? Talking to Chotu?"
"I liked it. He is a bright kid. I am proud of him."
"I asked how did you like talking to him?"
"We can't talk. I mean we did talk, but I am not going to talk with him about these things. And he doesn't need any distractions. As it is there are many in our family."
"What about mine?" She might cry.
"I am sorry."
"No its ok. They were dreadful anyway."
I don't know what to say.
She is quiet for some time. Then, "Its time for me to go."
"Why?"
"Its almost morning. How will you explain me?"
"But where will you go?"
"I will hide. I told you I am good at hiding." She smiles very faintly. She is beautiful.
"Don't be sad. I will come again. We have plenty to talk."
"Yeah? I can't see that we have."
"We have. I haven't told you how we died."
"We?"
"I mean they." Then quickly, "And we are not finished with your problems. This writing thing for example. And that thing. Your secret plan."
"You know about that?"
"Yes. I have been with you for quite some time now."
There is something churning inside my stomach.
"We must make our wedding plans,too. But no parents business."
I feel I must vomit. "I gotta go."
"OK. Bye then."
"Good Night."
She opens the door and slides outside. I follow her to outside. I see her melt away into darkness.
She knows about the plan. But she is beautiful. And who knew she was alive. I am glad I decide. Will make plans for tomorrow.