This weekend and that - short and structured (part I)

I This weekend - without a shirt on my back
These days, I keep thinking about that poem (or story..I don't remember) I read at school. A hypochondriac king, convinced he was suffering from a serious affliction, summoned all the medical practitioners in his kingdom and demanded that he be diagnosed and cured of his mysterious illness. Some medicos were honest (yes, some of them are :-)) and informed the king that his illness was a delusion. The King, not used to truth, summarily sent them to gallows. Some others, more used to the ways of kings, humored him by diagnosing illnesses with strange sounding names and prescribed him placebos. Of course, the placebos could not keep the mad king happy for long and their fate was no different (much like in real life, the honest and the equivocal both go to hell!). So, in the end, there was only one physician left - considered the wisest and most prudent of them all. When it was his turn, he diagnosed the king with what he called "depression" and opined that the king could be cured only if he wore the shirt of a perfectly happy person. The king dispatched his troops in all directions to find a perfectly happy person. Days, weeks and months passed by - it seemed that nobody in the Kingdom was perfectly happy - everyone had a past to complain of, a present to preserve or a future to secure. Till one day, a group of soldiers, chanced upon one who appeared like a vagabond. He lay in an open field, under the sun, his eyes closed, a blissful smile playing on his lips. The soldiers questioned him - "Are you happy?" "Perfectly!" "Don't you have any cares?" "What cares? My past, present and future are this moment" "We want your shirt" "Shirt! I have never had one!" The king heard that the only perfectly happy person in the kingdom did not have a shirt on his back! The king suddenly understood this "depression" - he renounced his kingdom and wealth and lived happily ever after - like a vagabond. Such has been my weekend - lying in the open fields, under the open sun, without a shirt on my back, soaking in the moment.

5 random thoughts...

1. 2.5 hours never seemed so many - you chase them all day and they keep receding...slowly and steadily. It is utterly wicked and cruel!
2. It is a season of relationships. As I am getting into new ones which are full of exciting possibilities, there are those couple of old ones, which threatened to break anchor and set sail - drift away. I have realized though, that beginning a voyage as they may be, with new mates, there is a string that ties us still and one of us just needs to tug at it for the other to come running by. As I was saying to C and S the other day, "My thoughts and values are evolving constantly. However, I no longer feel the need to evaluate and reassess all my relationships with new perspectives. Some relationships have now achieved the constancy that makes them independent of "points-of-views" and "perspectives on life" and they are just there - like your parents. I take them as given." Then there are those relationships that have taken a turn for the worse reminding of me of debts that I need to repay. It is a season of relationships this.
3. Rebellion is back in fashion. At least, the notion of rebelling has found its way back into my head and crept into my conversations. I look forward to these "chai for me and sutta for him" sessions with R that punctuate my working hours these days. Our conversations are irreverent and we crib unapologetically. These collegiate discussions, strewn with liberating expletives, are the high points of my working hours.
4. Rediscovering some words I had lost in the recesses of my mind. The other day, it was dark and I was fumbling around - I bumped in "ephemeral". Today, I met "visceral".
5. I found a leaf between the pages of one of my old books today. It brought back an old day from the not-so-recent-past. I ambled back from the school, on a hot and sunny afternoon, day dreaming about cricket and IIT. A violet leaf, smelling sweet, drew my attention for some reason and I plucked it, inhaled its aroma and decided to keep it - between the pages of a book. The leaf has that day written all over it. It is perhaps the best photograph of my childhood.

2 stills from years ago

14 kilometers of narrow, winding, serpentine "kacchi sadak". Green fields punctuated by huts with semi clad kids flitting in the distance. Slow, rhythmic sway of the bullock cart lulls you to sleep. And every once in a while, just as I am about to slide in slumber, the buzz of a fly and its faint tickling touch on my cheek.
******
Jostling for space with the crowd around me. Fighting to hold on to my mother's fingers - squeezing it so tightly that she winces and looks at me annoyed. She heads for the same subziwala, her regular guy who gives her good prices. And they haggle endlessly. Every once in a while, some one passes us with an acknolwledgment of acquaintance. As I get bored, I start drawing imaginary things in the air with my fingers. I am at it for a while, before I feel a tug on my hand, mother looking at me with joy and explaining to the subziwala, "He likes drawing in the air. His drawings leave no trace except in his imagination".
******

I think sometimes

If I were to die today would it be me or an irony of me ?
A little bit of both I guess.
And of endless feelings that could find no expression.
And of someone's purpose defeated.

Would I be happy it is ending?
Or would I die sad I never lived?
A little bit of both I guess.

Anf if I were to die tomorrow would it be different ?
Unlikely. For tomorrow is going to be the same. Like yesterday was.
I will wake up late. And go to bed late. In between I will sleepwalk.

Tyranny of the masses

"How many of you agree with him", he looks around.

There is a general murmur rippling through the gathering; people shake their heads in disapproval.

He looks back at me triumphant, vindicated. The majority has given its verdict.

The "majority" that has made George Bush the most powerful person on earth.

The "majority" that returns Laloo Yadav to power in Bihar every general election.

The "majority" that allowed Hitler to rule.

The "majority" that is the elusive figure political parties in India are seeking.

The "majority" that is good enough to rule yet evil enough for rules to be framed to protect the "minority".

The "majority" that is made up of minorities.

The "majority" whose logic is "we are more numerous; hence we must be right".

The "majority" which, if he were to ask and had it been brave enough, would have told him that he is an ass.

IIT KGP as a psychic prison

I am pasting below from my MO project where I viewed IIT KGP as a psychic prison. Psychic prison is one of the metaphorical lenses of Gareth Morgan through which one can view an organization.

IIT Kharagpur as a psychic prison
This metaphor in connection with a democratic and liberal institution like IIT KGP may look extremely inappropriate. IIT KGP, by and large, is very democratic with the students allowed participation in all important decisions pertaining to their academics or social life. Rules in the place are very flexible. It may be puzzling, therefore, to think that the members of such an organization are suffering in a psychic prison the system has built around them. The psychic prison to be described in the subsequent lines is not a characteristic of IIT KGP alone; it is, in my opinion, a tragic part of all the IITs and to a large extent of the IIMs as well.
IITs in particular and IIMs to a certain extent, by virtue of being the most prominent of the very few world class institutes in the country, attract a lot of hype and hoopla. These institutes have built an aura around them and have extremely tough entrance exams. The result is, students qualifying these entrance exams are automatically marked as super achievers and whiz kids. They carry an enormous burden of expectations of family and friends – it becomes their duty to succeed. These students are not always equipped to carry such expectations and many of them wither under the tremendous pressure they face. The large number of cases of insanity and suicide that IIT KGP has seen over the last few years are testimony to the tremendous mental strain the students live with. Quite often, the students themselves get caught in this myth generated around these institutions. So, a number of students come with the expectations of instant success; the entrance exam for them is the destination rather than the beginning of the journey. When these expectations are not met, some get totally demotivated. Others delude themselves into believing in the supremacy of the much hyped IIT tag. They abet this process of mythicising IIT by enthusiastically spreading the success stories of IITians and their immense abilities. They get caught in this self-perpetrated myth and find it difficult to come to terms with the reality. Some IITians are so confident and smug about their extraordinary abilities, that they find it impossible to survive in any organization after they pass out. They find it ‘mortifying’ to be working with lesser mortals from the other engineering colleges and are unable to build relationships with the outsiders. Often, the IITians in an organization keep to themselves and form exclusive groups. This, more than lack of ability, has been the principal cause of the downfall of many IIT KGPians (and indeed other IITians). Many IITians attribute their failure to the deficiencies of the system and not their own, so ingrained is the myth of their own supremacy. When this myth break downs at last, it is earth shattering for them; they find it hard to face their ordinary and normal versions as opposed to the extraordinarily intelligent beings that they were led to believe they are. Tragically, this psychic prison is no fault of theirs and is a creation of the Indian society that has a tendency to make Gods out of personalities and institutes.

More on Life .....and Lemon's Principal

A guy on my floor just received a terrible news. A cousin of his father was on his way back from Tirupati, with family, when they met with an accident. The cousin died on spot and others of the family seriously injured. It reminded me that life is all of what I said in the last post and more. It is transient, temporary, and perpetually haunted by the spectre of death. As somebody said the ultimately aim of life is to die.

The other thing it did was to drive home the importance and beauty of life ever more strongly. I was reminded of the time when I came so close to destroying it. I can scarcely imagine the trauma some such action would have wrought on people who love me.

I just hope I don't come that close to the precipice again.

I came across an interesting principal called Lemon's Principal in my Financial Accounting book. It says that the presence of people in the market who are willing to offer inferior goods tends to drive the market out of existence. The theory was first stated by George A. Akerlof , Professor of Economics at UC Berkeley in one of the most cited papers- the paper won him the Nobel Prize. Could you explain how Lemon's Principle works ? One of these days I am going to write the explanation but right now I am feeling too lazy to do that.

If you go through the posts on this blog, it is hard not to notice the enormous swings in my moods. The posts range from overly optimistic and cheerful to downright gloomy. If you continue to visit the blog, you may find a number of contradictions too. Because if I am honest to the posts, they will inevitably reflect the state of my mind which, unless I get superhuman powers, will change much. And as my thinking evolves I may develop opinions contrary to those that I harbour now and may infact come round to my original opinion again in the course of time. I guess I have too much to learn to have many fixed opinions at this stage.

Life is Eminently Livable

Life sucks
when you have to attend three lectures of one and a half hours each on trot...3 days a week.
when you go to bed lonely... every night.
when you wake up lonely and at seven...every morning.
when you miss the homemade food...every mess meal.
when your best friend is worried...every now and then.

Life is beautiful
when you rediscover that learning is fun.
when the professor makes a subtly witty comment...and it brings a smile to your lips.
when you appreciate there are many people who'd gladly swap positions with you.
when you talk to your family and feel how proud they are of you.
when you feel how happy your best friend is for you.
when you try cheering your best friend and succeed.
when you anticipate the coming holidays and the visits that you will make.
when you appreciate that you were in a much worse position this time, last year.

Life is beautiful when someone loves you selflessly and limitlessly.
Life is at its best when you find you love someone selflessly and endlessly.

On the balance, Life is eminently livable.

Of Classes and Depression

Just to reinforce what I wrote in the last post and offer a food for thought, sociologists David Reisman and Nathan Glazer (1950) contend that in most cases, "people's real work -- the field into which on the basis of their character and their gifts, they would like to throw their emotional or creative energies -- cannot conceivably coincide with what they get paid for doing". In my case it is not coincident with what I am paying to learn. I found this in a paper published by Jaan Elias & Gregory Dees from Harvard Business School on "The Normative Foundations of Business".

We had an interesting class on Business, Government and Society today wherein groups were formed and asked to discuss an issue and then make a presentation. My group had to dissect the contention that graduates of the IIMs should be compelled to join "public service" for a fixed period fresh out of the college in view of the significant subsidy at which they are recieving their education. One interesting point that I raised was that the government is trying to withdraw from most spheres of our economy by privatisation and limit itself to its core duty of administration. So, are the managers from IIMs supposed to study management and then necessarily join as administrators (bureaucrats ) in the government? And is it practical to compel people to do so? Won't many people be tempted to give the IIMs a miss in the favour of foriegn b-schools - surely they won't find it very difficult to find sponserers, as it is most students of IIMs have to take loans ? What implication would that have for the IIMs?

Is persistent ennui symptomatic of a deep psychological disorder? Is it a precursor to acute depression where one is losing the will to put in an effort to enjoy? It is very tempting to let go of all responsibilities and throw oneself at the mercy of others. There is this nagging insecurity and loneliness--- I am not very good at fending for myself. I find myself looking for the comfort of pills. God Help Me.

Rambling On..

I have always had this nagging doubt as to whether I am doing the things I want to in life. The four years at IIT were - for want of a more original phrase - the best years of my life. I had fun, made good friends, learnt a lot. But then, how often did I enjoy doing what I had gone there to do. I have, upon self introspection, always found that Civil Engineering was not what I enjoyed studying. Ironically, I did quiet well studying Civil Engineering (and most around me have done quiet well for themselves doing what they hate doing). One week into IIMB tells me I am not particularly going to like studying here either -I may be wrong here and indeed I hope I am. Maybe, I don't like studying at all. Or maybe its because of being at an IIT or IIM that I don't enjoy studying. I am more inclined to believe its the latter reason. I confess that the institutions which are supposed to be the apostles of learning in India put me off. I detest the pressure cooker atmosphere in these places, the intense competition here, the perpetual fear of being left behind and the compulsion to do things because they are being done by most of the others. Its like you may not be convinced of the utility of a course of action, but still pursue it for fear of missing out on some unapparent benefits. I suppose all these can be dismissed as mere excuses for weakness in the face of competition or as laziness. After all, these institutes have proved themselves as producers of quality manpower.

In IIT I managed to find of group of likeminded people who went on to become close friends and integral parts of my life. IIMB offers little hope in this direction. From what I have seen of my batchmates they seem guarded and superficial, not ready to let that barrier down. Maybe its the natural diffidence engendered by a new and competitive environment and strange faces all around. Maybe its my perception that is at fault, maybe I am not letting my guards down, allowing others to approach. Maybe it will wear off with time and I am waiting eagerly for that. I dislike being lonely.

The class today illustrated the kind of enthusiastic but thoroughly useless contributions (interferences ?) that pass off as class participation here. If this enthusiasm is not dampened considerably we are not going to make much progress in the class. The positive side is it was quite amusing in parts, so from a personal point of view, such doses of thoroughly inane participation are required to pass off the one and a half hour.

Well, things can only improve from here on. Or can they? Lets see. will keep you posted in either case.